Handy guide to the Indiana Statehouse & 2008 Legislative session

Thanks to Frugal Hoosiers for permission to reprint their witty guide to the Statehouse.
--HFFT editor

With numerous hearings on property tax issues being scheduled for the upcoming legislative session (which begins Tuesday) we expect that many people from around the state may be making first time visits to the State House. As a public service, here is the 2008 Frugal Hoosiers Guide to the Statehouse:

1. If you get lost, don’t hesitate to ask someone else wandering through the hallway for directions—unless it’s a State Representative. With the high turnover rate in the House of Reps in the last year, chances are it’s their first time visiting, too.

2. If you see someone else who looks lost, it’s probably Senate Minority Leader Richard Young. Don’t worry, he always looks like that.

3. If you see 3 or 4 people milling around in the corner, it’s probably just the latest AFSCME rally. The general rule of thumb is that if you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you—unless you’re a state employee, in which case they’ll beg to garnish your paycheck and then wonder aloud why nobody wants to join.

4. If you see 3 or 4 people milling around in the corner and one of them has a camera, it’s probably just a Vi Simpson press conference. Chances are either that the camera isn’t really turned on, or one of the local TV stations is doing a lighting check for the next press conference.

5. All those people standing around in the hallway on the 3rd floor are lobbyists. Because of the aforementioned turnover in the past year, you might be able to convince them that you just recently won a replacement caucus and get a free steak dinner while you’re in town. You’ll get a much better idea of how the legislative process works there than you would at the State House anyway.

6. Don’t be fooled: On windy days, Pat Bauer doesn’t wear earmuffs because his ears are cold.

7. If you hear a legislator bragging to a group of constituents about all the work he’s done in the past to reform property taxes, stick around to watch his nose grow.

8. If you hear a group of constituents asking a legislator for a straight answer on his new ideas to reform property taxes this year, stick around to watch his presence shrink.

9. Metal detectors have been installed at the State House recently, so have your bags and purses open as you walk into the building. If you’re going to a House Ways and Means meeting, make sure you close your bag before you go into the committee room, or you might find your money is already gone and Bill Crawford spent it before you came out.

10. If you make your visit in early January before the Governor’s State of the State address, expect everyone to be smiling, talking about how good it is to be back, and making reference to bipartisanship being the best thing since rainbows and puppy dog farts. If you make your visit between mid-January and mid-March, expect everyone to be giving half-smiles, talking about how much work they’ve already got done, and making reference to an ideal world of bipartisanship. If you make your visit during the last two weeks of March, take cover.